America, good news! Only a week to go till the premiere of Farmer Wants a Wife, the new reality series airing on Wednesday nights on the CW.

I have seen the first episode. The premise is that a farmer (or to be more accurate, a shirtless farmer) has trouble meeting single women because, well, seems like there just aren’t many in Farmsville, USA. So the CW flies in a bunch of high-heel wearin’ ladies from cities and towns. It’s like The Bachelor meets Green Acres, with a touch of Survivor and the heady aroma of manure-laden fields.

Some critics are saying that this series scrapes the bottom of the reality barrel.

I disagree, for the following reasons:

1.    The reality barrel clearly has no bottom.

2.    This show calls attention to what is apparently one of the most pressing social issues in the world today: the inability of farmers to find wives. I base this on the fact that there are versions of the program all around the globe. The first Farmer show aired in the Netherlands, where it has been the most popular program on the air (check out the farmer and his tango lesson). There are also versions in Belgium, Estonia, France, Germany, and Australia. Who can argue with the Australian producers: “Life is tough for men on the land with isolation and long hours, and it’s even tougher dealing with a lonely heart.” And what’s more: “The only winner in the end … is love.”

3.    The show promotes good values. Shirtless Farmer Matt points out, early on, “In the country, everybody helps everybody.”

4.    The first show features chickens. Chickens are really funny. And watching city gals in stilettos trying to catch chickens is even funnier. One woman calls herself a “super sexy chicken chaser.” That kind of dialogue, you can’t make it up. It just emerges fullly formed from the brightly-painted lips of the cast.

The only thing is, the program really doesn’t give a lot of advice about how to catch a chicken. The owner of the chickens tells the contestants, “You just grab ‘em.”

For more useful strategies, I turned to Scott Beyer, assistant professor of animal sciences and industry at Kansas State University. He says: “It is best to pick them up using their feet, and hold them upside down.” The inverted position calms them and keeps them from flapping their wings. “Perhaps it is some sort of instinctive behavior to be still, preferring to wait until the predator loosens its grip giving them a chance to flee?” he speculates. He also notes that you shouldn’t hold a chicken upside down too long, pretty much for the same reason that people don’t like being upside down too long.

But chicken chasing is not a big job on farms today. Chickens in the coop are typically picked up by “automated equipment.”

As for the woman on the show who had a paralyzing fear that the chickens would peck her eyes out, Professor Beck says: “Chickens will sometimes peck instinctively at shiny objects when being held. I once had a bird peck my sunglasses. I suppose if you held one close to your face, the shininess of your eyes could attract them. But I doubt they'd do much harm. They don't have teeth, you know! Chickens are at the bottom of the food chain, so they would run rather than stand and peck out an enemy's eyes.”

So, ladies on the show, be not afraid of chickens! But if you have to chase a bull, please don’t grab it by the horns.

-Marc Silver

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